At a young age, my kids went to bed at a time of my choosing. They wore clothes I bought based on my style and price range. They ate food based on what I felt like cooking. They went to school in the district where my husband and I wanted to live. The boundaries of their early lives fell under our jurisdiction. Any parent quickly learns (whether they act or not is another story) that these boundaries change as their kids grow. Tell your 17-year-old daughter to only wear the clothes you picked out for her or your 21-year-old son to adhere to your curfew while he’s away at college. Good luck! 

Why and How Boundaries Change

Boundaries are not set-in-stone rules. Aging is the most obvious area where our boundaries need to change with us, but even in boundary setting for daily life, the boundaries I set today may not serve me six months or five years from now.

Life is not static. Individuals change—their beliefs, interests, and hobbies. Environments change—people move or switch jobs. Situations change—we meet new people or strive to change where we find ourselves. A whole lot of change over one lifetime requires changing boundaries.

When I finished my PhD last fall, I had several options. All of the activities fit me perfectly—incorporating my abilities and interests. I was hired to teach online classes for Southeastern University’s Hartland, Ohio campus; I had the offer to join a committee starting a local college campus extension; I had the time to jump into some personal writing projects, which included working one-on-one with a New York Times Bestselling author; my PhD committee had told me I should publish my dissertation, which would mean major time spent rewriting it into book form; and I had Bible study and ministry ideas to pursue. I can do all of those – they all align with my previous experiences, what I’m good at and enjoy, and what I have proven successful with in the past. 

Old me would’ve picked up as many opportunities as I could manage and run with it. Healthier me knew that after seven years of intense work—especially in the previous year—I needed to rest. So I set a boundary: Do not take on any projects…just rest. This became don’t do anything that feels like work or causes stress, outside of my full-time job. Not only did I say no to or put aside all of those opportunities, but I also chose with whom and where to spend my time based on how much “work” it felt like. I wanted absolute rest all around me.

That boundary lasted for about seven months before I felt rested enough. Feeling that shift, I changed the boundary to allow an activity that meant the most to me—writing. Over the summer of 2024, I worked with three talented women on various areas of my writing and speaking. My website and blog are the results of some of that work. 

If I adhered to a strict timeline on my original “no projects” boundary, I would’ve missed the well-timed opportunity to spend my summer working with these talented women and I wouldn’t be writing this blog post right now. Without maintaining the rest as part of that shift—ensuring quiet time in my schedule and spending time with life-giving people and places—I might have burned out doing the work. The original boundary served its purpose and then changed to continue supporting me in my new place.   

Does One Boundary Stand in Every Instance?

We often set rigid or loose boundaries to ensure everyone and everything gets included in each boundary. You will end up frustrated in both of those instances. Rigid boundaries set higher expectations than people can meet and you end up with walls keeping everyone out. Broad, loose boundaries are unclear, and people won’t know if they are crossing them—you might not even know if your own boundary is crossed.

One aspect of maintaining and adjusting boundaries is realizing they can vary based on who, what, or where is involved. Remember, boundaries are not rules set against others, but personal guidelines to help you live a healthy, productive life. Boundaries are what you need to proceed. Therefore, boundaries do not need to be evenly applied across the board.

For example, if I find myself in a stressful season, I may limit my hangouts to those who energize me, instead of those who drain me. In this case, my boundary allows me to say no to people who take more energy than I have to be around—it protects me from being drained and protects them from feeling like I’m not fully present in our time together. This boundary still allows me to socialize with people who make me feel relaxed. When the stressful season lets up, I can release the boundary.

Maintaining and Adjusting Boundaries

As I mentioned above, life shifts, and our boundaries must change too. Regularly evaluate if your boundaries still meet your needs and adjust as necessary. Do not feel guilty about boundaries prioritizing self-care, such as time for rest or doing something you enjoy.

Relationships often require negotiation and at times boundaries that impact your relationships can be negotiated. I need to have quiet time to read or write, but my husband likes to watch TV together. In navigating those differences, I read and write when he watches things I’m not interested in, such as sports. But a couple times a week we purposefully choose a movie we are both interested in to spend that time together.

Boundary negotiation and adjustment is a natural part of the process. When adjusting boundaries, do so with a clear understanding of why changes are being made. Are the changes based on what you need at present? Be patient with yourself as you figure out what you need, and when and how you need it. Boundaries are life changing and you deserve the time and grace it takes to establish your path to peace.

Resources for Learning About Boundaries

Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, by Terri Cole

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are, by Lysa TerKeurst

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend