I turned down yet another lunch invitation and didn’t think twice about it. I had turned down get-togethers and even canceled travel plans over the summer. Instead, I worked in a soundproof study room at the local library 4-6 hours a day, six days a week, hauling totes of books, snacks, and my laptop back and forth daily. Early on I joked about renting the room for the summer so I could leave my stuff there. Only half joking.

Once the school year started, I stayed at my desk every day for hours after the last bell rang, writing like I needed it to survive, like I was running out of time, as Aaron Burr so eloquently sings in Hamilton. But I kinda was…running out of time that is. A nonworking lunch wasn’t an option. Lunch meant grading and planning because I couldn’t spare any of my after-school hours for anything but my personal endeavor—the culmination of the past seven years of my Ph.D. program—my dissertation. If I finished writing in September, I would graduate that semester. After seven long years, the light at the end of the tunnel shone so bright, I didn’t see anything else. They were easy boundaries to set.

I wish this had always been the case…if it had, I likely would’ve graduated one, if not two, years sooner than I did. But I spent much of my life before that point without boundaries and unaware of what they were, let alone that I needed them.

Do you ask yourself the same question: How do I know if I need boundaries? There are obvious answers to this question, such as when you find yourself exhausted or ill and rest is needed. However, there are often telltale signs that a person lacks boundaries. Here are 6 easy to miss signs:

1. No isn’t in your vocabulary: You say yes to just about anyone for anything at any time. You may be overextended or tired, but you still say yes. You may be a people pleaser or need to earn love and acceptance and saying yes gets results. You just ignore how endless and exhausting it is overall…and how your desires and needs go unmet. No is a complete sentence and you need to use it as you see fit. Making your needs a priority creates health in you, which you can extend to others.

2. You tend to complain: You complain about someone a lot, feeling left out or used by them. You may have unreasonable expectations and when people don’t meet them exasperation sets in. Or you are in a one-sided relationship, where the other person refuses to contribute for whatever reason (which could be a result of your unreasonable expectations or even something unrelated to you altogether). Either way, consistent complaining about someone signals a need to back away and rethink your approach.

3. You apologize too much: You apologize for things that aren’t your responsibility or in your control. Accepting others’ blame or taking blame on yourself when things go wrong or people are hurt is your automatic response instead of thinking through the scenario and considering all parties and details involved. A fear of conflict or others’ anger toward you often fuels this lack of boundary. You use an apology to smooth it over…until next time.

4. You blame others: You blame people for making you feel, speak, or act a certain way. When you lose control of an emotion, such as anger; say or do something stupid; or straight up make a mistake, your ego can’t take the hit, so it deflects the blame onto someone else in a “the devil made me do it” style. The blame game keeps you from taking responsibility for your speech and actions and paves the way for the same mistakes to happen again.

5. You overshare: You share intimate details of who you are all at once and without hesitation soon after meeting someone. Oversharers give away everything about themselves—their past, mistakes, fears, opinions, loves, thoughts, hurts, etc.—in a short span of time whereas healthy relationships require years of gaining trust and sharing intimate details over time. The conscious goal in oversharing is simply to make friends. Subconsciously, you are desperate for closeness and feel utter vulnerability brings results quickly when in fact it will drive healthy people away. Please know that no one has the right to your life and people should spend time and earn your trust to get to know you too.

6. You feel powerless: You feel like your life is not in your control in the simplest of ways. Powerlessness can result from an accumulation of missing boundaries—consider if you relate to more than one of the five above. Powerlessness also results when you allow others to manipulate or decide for you. Setting boundaries in these various places and permitting yourself to make life decisions will dissipate powerlessness and create a feeling of power in its place. 

Okay…why does this still feel scary?

Pushback and guilt. Possible pushback from people often scares us from setting boundaries. What will they say? Will I lose my friends? First, healthy people will respect your boundaries and healthy people are who you want to surround yourself with. People push back against your boundaries because they benefit from your lack of them in the first place.

Pushback creates difficulty because of the added layer of confrontation or conflict, but in many situations, standing your ground will back them down. If people continue to cross your boundaries or push back, you remind them. With people who insistently cross your boundaries, you may have to consider a stronger boundary, such as lessening your contact or cutting the relationship from your life. This is the hardest part of boundary setting. I’ve experienced it with both friends and family. Many emotions come into play, but I didn’t regret the boundaries I set as they brought me peace that eluded me with the person fully in my life.

Second, we play up the scary scenarios of pushback more than they will likely be. Boundaries are mostly unspoken decisions we make. I wanted to graduate sooner than later, so I set a boundary that said I would sacrifice my summer to hole up and write. My boundary surfaced when I turned down travel, lunch invitations, and hang-outs with friends. I didn’t have to state why (although most around me knew), I simply decided and continued working.

If I want an hour of tech-free time before bed, I may decide not to answer my phone after 9 pm. I don’t announce this to everyone, I just don’t answer my phone after 9 pm. People may be annoyed when I don’t, but they likely aren’t going to ask about it or be offended by it. Likewise, if I don’t want to attend a gathering over the weekend, I can simply say, sorry I can’t make it. I’m not required to explain that I have a boundary set to give myself rest within the week. I create the boundaries I need and I make decisions based on them.

Guilt also makes boundary-setting scary. Life conditioned us to live one way and now we decide to switch it around. The human brain doesn’t do change easily, even when it’s welcome. Setting boundaries means stepping out of your comfort zone—which actually means stepping out of what we are used to, not necessarily what is literally comfortable or good for us—and instantly creates guilt. I’m hurting their feelings. I’m a bad person. This is so selfish of me. Please, hear me: guilt is not a positive feeling to be heeded and followed. It is a warning signal to stand and fight against. The minute you feel guilty you know not to back down from your boundaries. Your mind will adjust with time.

Believe it or not, your boundaries serve you, but they serve other people too. Your boundaries give others a blueprint for how to interact with you. They understand who you are and what you value. And the presence of your boundaries means they can trust you to respect theirs. Like calls to like. Boundaries beget relationships with “boundaried” people. Without boundaries, you cannot respect others’ boundaries and you miss out on healthy relationships. Boundaries powerfully transform the way we treat ourselves, which in turn allows us to honor others.