If you know anything about the ocean, you likely know about tides. The gravitational pull of the moon and sun on the Earth causes the ocean’s surface to rise and fall. Even if you have no idea what causes it, you can see a daily pattern as the water reaches further up on the shore and then, hours later, recedes again. When an ocean—or any body of water for that matter—goes beyond its naturally set limits, the situation can become dangerous or even disastrous. 

Like the ocean needs to maintain its cycle of tides to function within a safe and healthy scale, people also need boundaries to live secure and healthy lives. Although talk of boundaries currently abounds, the rise of the mental health crisis tells us that boundaries are either widely unknown, not followed well, or not taught.

What are boundaries?

Let’s back up a minute and define boundaries. Boundaries are the practices a person uses to determine how they will interact with others and allow others to interact with them. Think of boundaries as rules someone abides by to accomplish things or protect their energy and peace. Boundaries are a choice made by an individual to live well. Boundaries span all areas of life and often overlap: romantic relationships, friendships, parent/child, work, church, technology, etc. Within these areas of life, boundaries protect our mental, emotional, and physical being, as well as our material, monetary, and time resources. 

Most people’s reaction to boundaries is to deny they have a choice. If this is you, I want you to pause and consider: Is it that you don’t have a choice, or are you allowing others to decide for you? Are you going along with what people need, ask, say, or do instead of considering what you need? Just as not making a choice is making a choice, not creating boundaries is creating a boundary…a boundary that tells everyone around you that they can ask, say, and do whatever they want to you.

But do I need boundaries?

I’ve told you that boundaries help us live well, but let’s break that down to understand why we need boundaries. The main purpose of boundaries is self-care. Contrary to popular belief, self-care is not selfishness. It is not selfish to ensure that you are physically cared for, feel secure, experience fulfillment, have peace, and find happiness and joy.

Think of the example of oxygen masks on a flight. Flight attendants always instruct passengers to first affix their own oxygen mask before helping someone else. This practice considers that if you pass out in the process of helping someone else first, you are now both in danger and of no help to those you intended to help. However, if you put your mask on first, you are taken care of and more likely able to continue helping those around you.

Boundaries function in the same way—they ensure that you have cared for yourself first so that you show up as the best version of yourself to help others and play your part in the world around you. 

We show up as our best selves because boundaries prevent complications, such as miscommunication, resentment, conflict, drama, burnout, and unnecessary stress. While setting boundaries does take work and practice—and can be difficult at first—the exciting part of setting and holding to boundaries is living a life unencumbered by the typical relationship and workplace stress.

What does this look like exactly? 

Boundaries are hard to set and require dedicated follow-through, but they are not impossible and completely worth it. I’ve been in those shoes. Choosing what to do and when based on preset priorities or acknowledging limits never crossed my mind. Limits? What limits? 

A friend didn’t even have to ask for a favor or help—if I knew the need existed, I would fill it. If my calendar didn’t allow for the need, I rearranged anything I could to fit the need. I bought gifts and paid for others when I couldn’t afford to. I took on tasks at work or church because they aligned with my skill set or interest, regardless of whether I had the time or energy. 

The result? People thought I was a good friend, volunteer, and worker, but for me, it never ended. Another need, another item to buy, or another task always came up and two things resulted. First, when my own needs went unmet, I didn’t question why I wasn’t meeting them, I asked myself why other people weren’t meeting them for me. I was, after all, meeting theirs for them. Instead of creating boundaries for myself—“I can’t help her today because I need to grocery shop for my family”—and taking care of my life and household, I spent more time caring for others and squeezing my needs in. I discovered that I did things they didn’t need me to do because they could do for themselves—even so far as things they could do for themselves, but didn’t anyway because it wasn’t necessary. So, at times, I provided unnecessary help. Nice, yes, but needed, not usually. Which means I sacrificed (fill in the blank) for no reason.

I learned that people are not meant to care for our daily needs. We are each responsible for attending to our households, emotions, work, goals, etc. Others are a support system, but they are not responsible for us. If we practice self-care, we put up boundaries to make sure we can do what needs to be done, we end up helping people when it is most needed and we will do it without strings attached.

Which leads me to the second result: I began asking why I couldn’t find the type of friend that I was to others. They say be the friend you wish you had and I took that to the extreme. My life depended on not letting others down because it had happened to me so much. The pain was real and I refused to be the cause of pain in others. But my lack of boundaries created an expectation that others would reciprocate the same way. If I sacrificed for a friend, I expected her to sacrifice for me too. If I expect something in return, am I helping? Is it generosity? 

Don’t get me wrong, no one wants a one-sided relationship and I’ve been there too. But if I claim to give out of the goodness of my heart, but begin to resent the friend for not helping similarly, then I am not generous, I give with strings attached—there’s something I need from them and I get it through “generosity” (or so it looked—real generosity doesn’t have strings attached).

This is a good place to jump down a slight rabbit hole: reasons people lack boundaries. If you grew up in a household where boundaries weren’t taught or respected, experienced trauma that taught you to tolerate violations, or have low self-worth that says you aren’t deserving, then the talk and examples of boundaries likely sound foreign to you. A lack of boundaries often shows up in people pleasers, those who fear confrontation, and those who lack assertiveness (which is not the same as aggressiveness). On a broad scale, certain cultural or societal norms can blur lines on boundaries.

These deep-seated reasons make it hard to see where boundaries are needed and create them because the process will take away something we think we need and feel uncomfortable. In hindsight, I understand that I wanted to feel loved, so I set out to earn love by serving others in every way possible. If they need me, they will keep me, right? 

When I began setting boundaries, I feared losing friends or that others would think less of me. I haven’t asked anyone, but I think it’s more likely I became more bearable because I no longer anticipated their every move and acted on it. I also began to lose the expectation of what others should do for me. Those boundaryless results reversed and I felt such peace and freedom with each decision I made to take care of myself first. Boundaries work because they are not rules set against others, but personal guidelines to help you live a healthy, productive life.