“I can’t believe there’s a place where groups of people come to the same room for the sole purpose of discussing their love of books. I’m taking this to the top. I will get my Ph.D. in English.”

Those were my thoughts entering into my English courses as a college freshman at Youngstown State University (YSU) in 1997. That first year in my Secondary English Education program, 18-year-old me discovered the beauty of people gathered to discuss a common passion…in this case, literature and writing. Enthralled with the newness of college freedoms and the thing I loved most, nothing seemed better and I wanted nothing more than to take it to the top. I wanted a Ph.D. in Literature. 

Life moved along and with it came a husband and three kids, a house, a full time job teaching high school English, a masters degree, volunteer work in ministry, and a whole lot of my kids’ activities as they grew. But I never lost sight of that dream and 18 years after I swore myself to it, I applied to the Ph.D. English program at Kent State University and began living the dream the following year.

Have you ever been given the opportunity to live a dream? Until that point in 2016, I had watched people live my dreams and wondered how they got there and what I would have to do to make it happen for me.

The funny thing about living your dream is that it loses its dreaminess pretty quickly. The Ph.D. glamour faded fast – as in the very first day of my very first semester when my Methods professor handed out his syllabus. It was the most detailed syllabus I had ever seen and the more he explained the more lost I felt. I had never felt this way in a college class before. I cried all the way home. In hindsight my husband told me he didn’t know what to make of my state when I arrived home that evening – he had never seen me at such a loss.

But the truth of the matter was, I was 37 years old and had lived my entire life at a loss. Yes, I had a beautiful family, a wonderful job, and had achieved many of my personal goals, but in my heart and mind I lived a less than life. It was subconscious; I was not aware of what was wrong, just that life in my head was hard. In hindsight I know that I struggled with self worth and felt the need to prove myself. I found fulfillment in my achievements and in other people, which left me striving to earn acceptance and love in many of my relationships, giving of myself and my resources in a desperate attempt to be important, to be needed. Back then I would’ve told you I was simply helpful and loving, but it really came down to, if people needed me, they would keep me around. If people loved me, I felt fulfilled.

When my shots at fulfillment fell short or wore off, I crashed. The smallest comment, cancellation of plans, or off feeling brought crushing disappointment and hurt. I second guessed every move I made, every word I said, every thought I had…and when I was done with that, I second guessed everyone else’s. Always on the look out to prevent the next possible disappointment and find the next possible fulfillment, my tight control of situations and people haunted me.

Anxiety and panic attacks riddled my life, keeping me awake throughout the night. My job, my family, my many achievements completed on 3-4 hours of sleep at night. I was a perfectionist running on fumes. The thought of travel put me in a panic and vacations we took had me in tears for the first day and night.

My Ph.D. program exposed all of it. Feeling instantly in over my head, I began grasping at all of the usual people and things to keep me afloat. Two years in my footholds began to give way as my desperation increased and for the first time I saw my crutch as a crutch and knew something was seriously wrong. I was in over my head and it wasn’t just the Ph.D. work. It would be another long five years of hard work, spent refining my skills and creating a growth mindset in me, before I finished the Ph.D. program.

My website, the work I do, this blog, are products of that experience. The seven year journey where God let me live my dream, allowed it to become a nightmare, and used it to shape my reality is the most important and real thing about me because it taught me who I am. Standing face to face with the shattered pieces of myself and working persistently to find wholeness in those years created a sense of security so real and so freeing I don’t feel like the same person. I am not the same person.

I have hope. Life is good, even when it’s not because I am free of all that held me down before. And I want others to find the same wholeness, the same security, the same hope, the same freedom. I want others to find themselves and their inherent worth in this wide, wide world. Because freedom is my superpower and I have to use it for good, I have to pass it on.

And so, I hope you will take a deep breath and deep dive with me. Join me on this journey to crush the less than life we have been living and find MORE. It’s out there, it’s waiting. Let’s live on purpose.